Remembering and healing the past

Here is a photo of me when I was a little kid with the fireman behind, holding the hand of my best friend at the time. I was about 4 years old (I'm the one with the bunches and wearing shorts, looking down. I'm not sure whether I'm being shy or shielding my eyes from the sun).

When I look at this photo I have mixed emotions. I had quite a difficult childhood growing up, not just because I was so ill and struggled with my Crohn's, bad asthma and exzcema, and serious food allergies,(before my Crohn's got into full swing I was always in hospital for my asthma or food allergies) but also because my mother was/is mentally ill and I was often on the end of her rages and very difficult and at times impossible behaviour. Because I was a rather sensitive child, I assumed undertaking the role of emotional caretaker for my mother, and a lot of the time my father too and brother at varying times, even though I was the youngest and already had so many other problems to cope with. I remember very few times when perhaps I might have had a carefree existence, as most of the time I remember being burdened with the family's problems, my own health issues and all the frustrations that come with trying to balance both - all on my very young shoulders. I remember too that when I formed attachments with other adults who I trusted and who treated me with kindness and respect, they were very often taken away from me - either through death, (my fondest teacher who I was very close to was killed in the awful Kings Cross fire) or they just went away.

As I grew older I have always been searching for answers as to how I could make my past somehow feel better by putting a plaster on it, or to make it "disappear" and to feel good about my roots, and my growing up. And seeing as over the years I have been battling with low self-esteem, at times low confidence and I have been my biggest and worse critic (which has in itself made me even more ill at times as I put myself under a lot of pressure) it has been a huge struggle. And of course as I grow and learn more about life and myself, I know that it is practically impossible to just forget what happened in the past. But I'm hanging onto the hope that to heal is not necessarily out of reach, but I know that it is a very long and difficult journey.

But I think I am at last getting there and making more headway with those precious and delicate steps to a free-er mind and therefore free-er and happier existence. And when I've looked at this photo recently of me, I have felt love and compassion for that little girl - where once I might not have. I also am starting to remember times when I perhaps did feel more free and happier and just me and can remember when I was cheeky and giggly and playing with my friends or my brother, and my positive spirit, instead of feeling robbed of being able to be me, which I know I often felt (although I have always tried to keep my sense of humour in tact and my positivity, throughout my life, even when life was incredibly tough). I know from going to therapists in the past, that a lot of the time they mention learning to "love your inner child" and although at times I have questioned this and wondered whether it was just a load of baloney, I now think I understand what they mean. Ok there are different ways to go about this, but I think if you can find what's right for you, then all well and good. I think I'm getting there.