Not been well again

Apologies for not being around much recently, but I have had a bad bout of the flu and now my Crohn's has been affected in quite a big way. I was hoping to dodge a relapse or worse stricturing (permanent scarring of the intestine) but I'm not so sure I have managed to. I'm thinking (rather reluctantly) that I will probably have to stop putting off visiting the french docs and just go and see what they have to say. Hopefully it's good news, but if it isn't I know that waiting and hoping that it will go away won't help me.

Unfortunately a trip to the docs isn't as simple and easy as it sounds, for it involves a very long drive down a very twisty turny mountain road and if I'm not lucky enough to either have the use of a car or get a lift, I might have to first hike up the mountain to the bus stop, catch the bus which takes a very long time and then get a tram - not really something I will want to be doing when I'm feeling so ill (usually if I end up going to hospitals in an emergency I am bent over in agony hardly being able to crawl let alone walk and trying hard not to be sick and not that often managing it).

Alas, it is probably much smarter to go and see the docs BEFORE I end up in a really bad way. There is just still a little part of me that somehow hopes that I will feel better without having to do that! Also, I have only got just under 2 more weeks to wait until my next infusion treatment. Not long if I feel a bit better, but will seem like an age if I don't. Oh well, will see how it goes!

Beautiful photos

These photos were taken around where I live. I know just how lucky I am to be living here!

Creating a healthier and positive future

Since all my difficulties during my childhood years (and some stuff I haven't written about yet as perhaps I'm not yet ready), I have always dreamed of creating a different, much more healthier and positive future for myself- both physically, spiritually and emotionally. In my dreams, I see myself as content and somehow peaceful in myself, not overly fearful or anxious about the future, and just ready to face anything that comes my way. I guess I feel empowered. Sometimes in my dreams I look to the future when one day I may have children (as yet I don't actually know) and in those dreams I like the thought of being healed enough emotionally as to not ever project any negativity or unresolved issues onto my children, and to create a life for them where they will feel happy in themselves, empowered and loved.

For now, I am working on myself and I do think I am making steps in the right direction, although at times it is very hard work, and sometimes I feel I stumble along the way or take a few steps back. But I guess that's all part of learning, and I think generally I am making the kind of progress that I desire. I certainly am being able to think more clearly than before, and to be a little less critical of myself and loving towards me and my inner child. I guess that's all good. At least I hope so!

Remembering and healing the past

Here is a photo of me when I was a little kid with the fireman behind, holding the hand of my best friend at the time. I was about 4 years old (I'm the one with the bunches and wearing shorts, looking down. I'm not sure whether I'm being shy or shielding my eyes from the sun).

When I look at this photo I have mixed emotions. I had quite a difficult childhood growing up, not just because I was so ill and struggled with my Crohn's, bad asthma and exzcema, and serious food allergies,(before my Crohn's got into full swing I was always in hospital for my asthma or food allergies) but also because my mother was/is mentally ill and I was often on the end of her rages and very difficult and at times impossible behaviour. Because I was a rather sensitive child, I assumed undertaking the role of emotional caretaker for my mother, and a lot of the time my father too and brother at varying times, even though I was the youngest and already had so many other problems to cope with. I remember very few times when perhaps I might have had a carefree existence, as most of the time I remember being burdened with the family's problems, my own health issues and all the frustrations that come with trying to balance both - all on my very young shoulders. I remember too that when I formed attachments with other adults who I trusted and who treated me with kindness and respect, they were very often taken away from me - either through death, (my fondest teacher who I was very close to was killed in the awful Kings Cross fire) or they just went away.

As I grew older I have always been searching for answers as to how I could make my past somehow feel better by putting a plaster on it, or to make it "disappear" and to feel good about my roots, and my growing up. And seeing as over the years I have been battling with low self-esteem, at times low confidence and I have been my biggest and worse critic (which has in itself made me even more ill at times as I put myself under a lot of pressure) it has been a huge struggle. And of course as I grow and learn more about life and myself, I know that it is practically impossible to just forget what happened in the past. But I'm hanging onto the hope that to heal is not necessarily out of reach, but I know that it is a very long and difficult journey.

But I think I am at last getting there and making more headway with those precious and delicate steps to a free-er mind and therefore free-er and happier existence. And when I've looked at this photo recently of me, I have felt love and compassion for that little girl - where once I might not have. I also am starting to remember times when I perhaps did feel more free and happier and just me and can remember when I was cheeky and giggly and playing with my friends or my brother, and my positive spirit, instead of feeling robbed of being able to be me, which I know I often felt (although I have always tried to keep my sense of humour in tact and my positivity, throughout my life, even when life was incredibly tough). I know from going to therapists in the past, that a lot of the time they mention learning to "love your inner child" and although at times I have questioned this and wondered whether it was just a load of baloney, I now think I understand what they mean. Ok there are different ways to go about this, but I think if you can find what's right for you, then all well and good. I think I'm getting there.

A visit to the docs, reflexology and another house offer

Well thankfully I managed to sort out my sleeping problems with reflexology. Seeing as I'm a qualified reflexologist and know how it can aid sleep, I can't believe I hadn't thought of it before! I know just how lucky I am lucky that I don't need to go and pay someone else to fiddle with my feet as I can! Hooray!

However, my other Crohn's related problems haven't subsided as yet, so after realising I was due my regular B12 injection, I went to the docs to have that and to mention my problems (I went armed with a list of french translations to help in case I forgot my words, which she found amusing and worrying as she said she was wondering how many more symptoms there were going to be!). However, although she was kind I don't have complete faith that she knows much about my condition, as she went on about how there might be too much salt in my system which could irritate my insides, and has given me something to reduce the salt. I have never heard of this before, and am a little puzzled as what normally happens when you have diarrhoea is that you are supposed to replace the salt, not reduce it even further! But, I'm trying to keep an open mind about this one, as maybe my french GP knows a thing or two that I don't. However, she has said to me that if I don't feel better in a few days that I must go back. (I'm thinking that I would rather go and see my consultant at the hospital - he is after all supposed to be one of the best in Europe). Anyway, will have to watch this space.

Had another house offer too in the last few days, and so far so good. The man who wants our house has got a whopping huge deposit of wait for it.. £90,000! Let's hope then that nothing can go wrong with this guy and that he doesn't pull out for any reason. Fingers crossed!