Ruthy Reflects

Tonsilitis

2009-02-13T02:58:00.000-08:00

Yeah, that's it - I have been diagnosed with crohnic tonsilitis by an ENT specialist. My tonsils have been bothering me for quite a long while, but so far have not been able to get a diagnosis (how hard can it be I really don't know!). Anyway, I'm feeling relieved that all my swallowing problems and probs with food getting stuck etc, and feeling generally yuck, are not all in my head but are in fact due to this infection that has been taking a hold over me for far too long now.

Have been prescribed the dreaded antibiotics, so will see what happens with them - not looking forward to how they are going to affect my crohn's, as I never have a happy time on them, and the last time I had to have antibi's I ended up in hospital :( so praying that's not going to happen this time.

Seeing as yesterday it was -20 outside I think it's probably best I stay as warm as I can inside - although rather annoying as the sun is shining for the first time in several days and it would be nice to get me some air. Oh well, there you go.

First snow pictures of January 2009

2009-01-22T01:22:00.000-08:00

Here are some pics that I took on a little walk I did yesterday. Unfortunately I couldn't get quite the shots I wanted, as the snow was too deep and I didn't have my snow racquets (or rackets) on. At one point, in trying to get a better shot, I actually sunk very deep suddenly and got my boot stuck! I couldn't get it free so I had to take my foot out of the boot first and then somehow lie on the snow trying not to sink any deeper, and then managed to wrench my boot free (after having to dig it out first! Was a bit scary for a little while as there was no one around either to help me. My foot was totally frozen after (being out of it's boot) and my hands were too. But it was still all good to get some fresh air.

My new diagnosis

2009-01-16T04:24:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone, just thought I'd post my newest diagnosis! lol (I seem to be collecting these conditions!). I've now been diagnosed with inflammation in my sacrum (base of the spine) and both ileac joints. At the moment the docs are calling it "sacroilitis", but I'm also being tested for something called "ankylosing spondilitis", just in case.

So what does my new diagnosis mean? Well that's a tricky question to answer, as at the moment I'm not so sure. Well, apart from it being rather painful, at times pretty excruciating. One of my specialists thinks I should come off my current Crohn's medication - Infliximab/Remicade and instead go onto Humira, which is the same drug family. However, up until now I've been "saving" Humira for when/if the Infliximab/Remicade stops working (for whatever reason), so I see it as my "back-up" and at present, my only back-up. This means that for me, the idea of going onto Humira, when at present my Crohn's is mostly behaving itself (certainly compared to how it used to be!), would be rocking the boat, and so I'm not keen. However, apparently the drugs/meds they use to treat Sacroilitis/inflammation are the same as what they use to treat Crohn's. It's a shame then that my current Crohn's treatment is not working for the sacroilitis. I asked my doctors about this - and he said he didn't know why it wasn't keeping the sacroilitis at bay. However he did say that the sacroilitis is a kind of "secondary condition to Crohn's", not in everyone of course, as some people get sacroilitis without having Crohn's, but in my case it's the Crohn's. Oh well.

I should know my "fate" next month with any luck, when I will go for my next dose of Infliximab/Remicade and also should get some tests results and speak with my consultants. I hope I will have some say though on what might happen. Thankfully, my Crohn's consultant doesn't seem in any hurry to bring me off Infliximab/Remicade, so I might be ok. As for my sacroilitis - it's a painful thing - some days I can hardly walk with the agony, but if I can find some way to cope with that (and ideally not by popping pills - although I have been given the nearest equivalent to morphine) then all well and good.

Interestingly though, at christmas I had some myofarcial release treatments (not sure I've spelt it right!), which somehow helps heal connective tissue (I think! lol) and since then my pain has practically vanished! Yippee - just praying now that it will continue to keep at bay. Before I had the treatments I was in a lot of pain, and my heart was sinking as to how I would manage all the car journeys I was having to do - with all the visiting of relatives over the christmas period. So I think I might have found the answer as to how I can cope with this new condition - have regular treatments of myofarcial release. I don't know of anyone here who does it, as I don't think there are many practitioners in the world. Think most of them are based in england, so I might have to wait until I return to angleterre!

Will try to find some more info on myofarcial release and post it on here. Ruth xx

A surprisingly lovely trip to and from the docs!

2009-01-10T07:04:00.000-08:00

Well, there was me worrying a little about my trip to the docs yesterday, and yet it turned out to be rather heavenly! The bus driver took it nice and easy on the twists and turns, and the weather was so absolutely beautiful (had freshly snowed and the sun was shining brightly) that it was such a treat to travel "high up" on the bus, as I could see for miles around the amazing views stretching into the distance. We travelled through gorgeous little villages with houses to die-for, and farms sprinkled here and there (definitely perfect pictures for xmas cards!) and I did curse myself several times for not having my camera with me - should have learnt that by now I should probably carry one with me at all times, as you never know when a picture opportunity might arise, and it does tend to be pretty often in this part of the world.

After the doctor, I had a truly lovely and peaceful walk in a park, with the snow sparking from the sun under my snow-booted feet. I was the only one there - bliss! The air was so pure, I felt sure it would do my lungs no harm, so I stayed there as long as I could just revelling in the stillness and the beauty of it all.

I truly wish I had photos to show you, but have decided to try and capture it another day. Love Ruth xxxx

I'm still here!

2009-01-09T01:02:00.000-08:00

Hi lovely peeps,

I can't apologise enough for being terribly bad at updating my blog. I don't really know what to say about it, except sorry. I also hope that you are all as well and happy as you can be right now.

I don't really know where to start as I've had lots going on since I last posted including my 29th birthday, a visit to Paris, my aunty dying (v sad), flying to england for aunty's funeral, christmas and new year in england, and in between all that several tedious tests and hospital visits.

The greatest news healthwise so far though is that it's looking increasingly like I don't have lupus!! Not sure if I even had mentioned that the docs were suspecting lupus, but woooooo hooooo that it's looking like I don't have it! Definitely a major relief.

At the moment I'm trying to shake off a probable chest infection, and will take the long trip on the bus, down the twisty turny mountain road to the doctors later. Am praying that I won't a) be sick and b) faint as I hardly feel at my best right now, and I remember all too well the drive UP the mountain on saturday, and having to try and grab onto something when I got out of the car to stop myself collapsing :(

Anyway, I had better leave it there for now, as gotta get ready for the bus! Hopefully it won't be so long till I post again. Happy and Healthy New Year to you all! Ruth xx

Petition to stop NICE withdrawing important drug treatments for Crohn's for maintenance!

2008-10-09T08:36:00.000-07:00

Hi there,

I'm first of all, really sorry I haven't been on here for a while. I've been really busy with stuff, but I know that is not really a good enough excuse not to keep you all posted! I will try to post properly soon, but in the meantime I wanted to ask you for your help.

I don't know if any of you have heard of NICE (National Institute of Clinical Excellence) in the UK, but they are proposing to withdraw two anti TNF treatments - Infliximab (Remicade) and Adalimumab (Humira) for maintenance use in Crohn's patients. This could affect me personally, as I'm currently being treated with Infliximab (Remicade) every 8 weeks, and to be quite frank, it is my lifeline, and I would not want to imagine a life without it. It would be truly devastating as I have tried all other treatments and they have all failed. I know there are many more people in the same boat as me too.

Now, there is a petition to sign (for UK residents and expats only unfortunately) to help stop this happening. I would be so very grateful if you could sign this (and get your friends and family to sign too) as there is strength in numbers. We need 200 plus signatures by 15th October, so not very long. I thank you so much in advance for your support - it is greatly appreciated.

So, here's the link: http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/crohnsTNF/

If you want to know any more information, there is a document on the NACC website (National Association for Crohn's and Colitis). Please visit: http://nacc.org.uk and click on the box which says "NICE Anti TNF therapy guidance".

Thank you so much again, best wishes to you all, Ruth x

Over one thing, got another, and a trip to the neurologist

2008-06-10T23:58:00.000-07:00

Well, sorry about the last post. Hope it wasn't too depressing! Now thankfully I'm feeling better on the Crohn's-front, yay! but instead have been fighting a bad cough for several weeks. Think it could be an infection as I'm bringing up all sorts of yuck (sorry for TMI!), but I don't want end up on antibiotics as the last time I was on them I ended up back in hospital. So I'm trying to fight it on my own (with my poor immune system? yeah, right!). But I have fought this before on my own, so I'm sure I can do it again. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself!

Unfortunately I think I am fighting yet something else on top, as the last few days I've felt pretty rough. Don't know quite what is happening to me at the moment, but I don't very much like it. Maybe it's the strange weather we've been having here.

Anyway, this afternoon have got my neurologist appointment. Think I have mentioned it on my blog before, but in case I haven't, I have been having some mysterious symptoms and my GP thought it best to get checked out by a specialist. And so that appointment has finally arrived! yay. I'm going armed with my english to french translations which I have been working hard on, so wish me luck!

Hope all of you are as well as you can be. Take care, Ruth x

Crohn's bad

2008-05-19T04:25:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately I am still far from well, as not only do I have the germ still, but now it's also affecting my Crohn's badly. It's all rather frustrating, and I'm getting pretty impatient now. Just want to be better now as it's no joke anymore. I guess the only good thing about it is the fact it has made me appreciate just how well I was feeling most of the time, before I caught this latest germ, compared to the years of suffering I had before. I cannot really believe how I managed to get through each day before I had my last op and also started on Remicade/Infliximab. I think I was just so used to being and feeling so ill that I had basically blocked it out. Maybe I was numb to it in a way. Who knows?! However, I still can't believe how I managed to keep so positive most of the time. I guess I should take comfort in the power of mind, and how you can almost "trick" yourself into believing you are ok, when really you are extremely ill. It can be dangerous though - as my specialist nurse once pointed out to me when her jaw literally dropped open at the poor sight of me. She thought she was looking at a skeleton, which she was, but I just hadn't noticed! Sometimes it takes others to point out how bad things have become. I just hope that this present bout of Crohn's doesn't get too bad. I could really do without that.

Had my fun - now suffering for it!

2008-05-09T04:38:00.000-07:00

It's exactly as the title says - I had my fun of hiking up the mountain, sledging, skiing, a few fairly local days out plus a two-week visit to England and Wales (which I've yet to post about), but now my body is reminding me it was all too much and I'm getting punished!

Feeling very ill now with very high temperatures, chills, shivers, pains all over, diarrhoea, abdo pains, a painful cheek and jaw bone and slight swelling on one side of my face (which I'm not sure if is related to all my other symptoms, or if its sinus-related or worse if it's a sign of a dreaded infection). Also feeling totally exhausted and faint the whole time and have literally dragged myself out of bed to type this (aren't I an idiot!).

However, I haven't typed this for a moan and a whinge (although it may well look like it!). No, I've posted it because I need to point out that whilst I may look like I'm forever having the time of my life (and yes, I do savour the special moments I do have), I do have to pay for it afterwards every single time. But hey, I guess having those good times are worth feeling this ill - I hope so anyway! It would so be nice though if for once I could have a happy time and then not be ill after. That would be such a treat!

Have posted some pretty flowers to try and make myself feel a little better. Hope you like them, Ruth xx

Para penting/Para gliding

2008-05-07T00:27:00.001-07:00

Waterfalls

2008-05-07T00:10:00.000-07:00

Skiing somewhere new

2008-05-05T01:16:00.000-07:00

Here I am, skiing at another resort around 1 1/2 hours away from where I live. There were some stunning views as usual. I'm still only a novice, but am getting better as am managing red runs now as well as the green and blues. I love the feeling you get when you have the wind rushing through your body when you are whizzing (fairly) fast down the slope. It is a wonderful free feeling, and nothing else seems to matter. It is a great way to experience truly living in the moment.

Some photos of the hike!

2008-05-01T00:25:00.001-07:00

Ok, so here are some of the photos of the hike. It starts off fairly easy and then gets harder!

What a gentleman carrying our sledges, especially on this steep bit!

The above two photos are me at the top! Sorry about the naughty one!

This is me after we had sledged all the way down - on the pistes this time

More treatments plus an achievement!

2008-04-30T10:09:00.000-07:00

Well here I am after another rather long day of infusions. I say plural because I've ended up with an iron infusion as well as the Infliximab/Remicade I was scheduled to have. Didn't even realise I was so low in iron, so there you go - glad they spotted it today, and it certainly could explain why I've been feeling so extra tired and dizzy/faint recently. Boy am I feeling exhausted right now though - I know that's partly because of the anti-histamines they gave me to limit my chances of a reaction. Going to rest in a bit.

I am feeling rather chuffed with myself right now though, as this weekend I have managed probably my most challenging hike/walk yet - a vertical walk up a snowy mountain off-piste (where I live), with 55 degree steepness and reaching around 7,500 ft. Ok I know it's not the highest mountain in the world, but for me I'm still pleased at what I've achieved - and especially now I've just found out how anaemic I was, on top of the usual symptoms I get of the dreaded D, pain, nausea, dizziness etc. A friend who was doing the walk with me said how amazed she was at my energy, especially as she thought I hardly ate anything at all (pretty right, especially when about to tackle a hike like that, as I don't want to bring on the D!) and yet I was out in front most of the way (there were just 3 of us walking though). I told her to be honest it's my stubborness and determination that gets me through most of the time, and I always try to remain positive. However, I still had to say my prayers a few times on the most steep bits and try not to look down!! Really hope I'm not sounding like I've grown an enormous head now! I've never wanted to be a big-head and don't like it in others, so big apologies if I'm blowing my own trumpet too much. I guess what I really wanted to convey is I'm feeling on top of the world and don't want this feeling to end.

It was so gloriously hot at the top that we ended up taking our clothes off and parading around in just our knickers/pants! It's mad when you think we had been hiking in snow, but then to be fair the whole way it was rather hot, and people under-estimate how strong the sun is even when there is snow. Maybe it reflects off it. It's certainly mega bright when it's like that and sunglasses are a must! I got a sunburnt head even though I wore a sunhat nearly all the way! After we had a little break at the top, we then sledged all the way down, on the pistes this time (I live on a ski resort although it's now closed for the season). People were yelling to us how mad we were, but my it was so much fun and definitely worth every strange look we got!

Anyway, will hopefully be posting a few pics of the hike soon, once I've uploaded the photos. Take care and love, R xxxx

Lovely snow and a smidgen of a rainbow!

2008-04-01T02:19:00.000-07:00

Well thought I should cheer up by posting some more lovely pics of the snow where I live. I cannot really describe how good it feels to have a healthy walk amongst fresh snow, and breathe in the gorgeous pure air. It's delightful, and makes me so glad I'm alive.

More ill-health!

2008-04-01T01:54:00.000-07:00

Hi all, well I'm not doing too well with this blog am I?! I hoped it would be something I would stick to, but health problems etc seem to have taken over.

Right now, I'm feeling frustrated as I'm supposed to be visiting england this weekend, for a few weeks, and am so excited at the thought of being briefly reunited with Mr C, who is returning to a war-torn country again with his job. However I am feeling really unwell again, with horrible vertigo/dizziness and feeling faint and nauseous, rather like sea-sickness. The room is constantly spinning. It started yesterday evening, after a trip to the pharmacy, and I felt as if I was going to faint right there in the middle of the shop! On top of that I keep feeling hot and cold. The problem is, I'm sure this how my last rather nasty bout of flu started, and so I REALLY could do with feeling better ASAP, so that I can enjoy my trip to england, rather than feeling awful all through it. If you believe in praying, I would be ever so grateful if you could pray for me. Thank you.

Talking of health problems, my GP is referring me to a neurologist, because I have been suffering with numbness/loss of feeling and strange sensations in my arms and hands and toes, along with one-sided facial numbness and difficulty in swallowing. I thought that perhaps it was either down to a deficiency of some sort (eg, B12, magnesium, potassium or calcium) or a possible side-effect of the Infliximab/Remicade, a drug given intravenously for my Crohn's every 6-8 weeks. I am trying hard not to worry too much about the possible cause of my symptoms, as it could be something really small. However, my mother thinks it's a real possibility that it's either temporary or permanent damage to the myelin sheath, caused by my infusions, and she thinks that I should probably stop having the infusions. However, there is only one more drug I haven't yet tried in injection form, and this too apparently can cause the same effects, so I'm not happy to come off one drug and swap it for another one that could cause me exactly the same problems, as then I am rather stuck as to what I can have for my Crohn's as frankly, there is nothing else out there that I haven't tried. Seeing as overall I am feeling the most well I have ever felt in my life, I am loathe to just stop having something that is helping me to actually live for once. However, I too know that my infusions CAN cause the dreaded MS (multiple sclerosis) and so I know that I need to check things out. Oh well, fingers crossed hey! I could be just a hypochondriac! I saw a wonderful card online the other day, in the "get-well" section as I was searching for cards for my friend, and it had a picture of a man sitting in a classroom, with a sign above him entitled "Hypochondriacs Anonymous" and the man was on the phone to his wife saying that he would be home soon, as "They all phoned in sick again"! It's hard to explain it in words, but it did make me chuckle. Would so love to give that card to someone, but you would have to be sure that they didn't take offense! Anyway, love to all, R xx

A poem about My Crohn's

2008-04-01T01:46:00.000-07:00

I suffered for many many years
Before the doctors told my young ears
That I had Crohn's, and it was here to stay
And that it would make me suffer and never go away

I was only young back then
Only about age nine or ten,
A child who knew nothing of what was to come
Of many years of misery and a very sore tum!

So I had this tube up my nose and into my tum
Which fed me night and day – oh yum!
I even had a shiny new pump once to carry
I think my friends thought it was him I was going to marry!

So I was fed like that for a total of 8 years
I wasn't exactly the envy of my peers!
I also had all manner of pills
I'm glad I didn't pay those medical bills!

I also had to go under the knife
An op which gave me a lot of strife
But when I pulled through I was told I was a fighter
Even though I was rather a lot lighter!

I will never forget the day I saw what they took out of me
A day the nurse wheeled me into the lab so I could see
It wasn't really a very pretty sight
Seeing all my swollen intestines there in the light!

So years went by and I wasn't getting any weller
Although I still managed to hook up with a feller!
And then he went away and I had to have another operation
And with feller being away it was pretty frustrating!

Nothing could have prepared me for the hell that came,
And after my ops I was never the same
For they had to cut me open a total times of three
And there were days when I couldn't believe it was even me!

I am forever grateful to the staff who saved me from dying
To you I swear I am honestly not lying
For I nearly died several times over
With all manner of problems plus of course pneumonia

So I ended up with a little friend called a stoma
And although I was sad he did make me stronger
And without him I might not even be here to tell this tale
So I am grateful for he helped me get well

And since then I have said goodbye to my stoma
So alas I'm now all aloner!
But I think he might be back one time
And I should hope that will be just fine

But since then I've had yet another op
This roller coaster ride sure doesn't stop!
This time yet more complications
What is it with these operations!

And now I'm still plodding along
Remembering all that has past and gone
I remain hopeful for the future and that there might be
A wonder cure for all Cronies like me!

But in the meantime I want to thank you all
For being there whenever I feel alone and small
I know you all go through similar and the same
And therefore totally understand my pain

To all CZ'ers - may we all be
There for each other as long as we need
A shoulder to cry on, a person to care
A person we can share with and help us all bear

Lots of love and healing hugs, Ruth xxxx

NB: This poem was posted on the Crohnszone site - a fantastic support site for people with Crohn's and Colitis.

Not been well again

2008-02-25T05:46:00.000-08:00

Apologies for not being around much recently, but I have had a bad bout of the flu and now my Crohn's has been affected in quite a big way. I was hoping to dodge a relapse or worse stricturing (permanent scarring of the intestine) but I'm not so sure I have managed to. I'm thinking (rather reluctantly) that I will probably have to stop putting off visiting the french docs and just go and see what they have to say. Hopefully it's good news, but if it isn't I know that waiting and hoping that it will go away won't help me.

Unfortunately a trip to the docs isn't as simple and easy as it sounds, for it involves a very long drive down a very twisty turny mountain road and if I'm not lucky enough to either have the use of a car or get a lift, I might have to first hike up the mountain to the bus stop, catch the bus which takes a very long time and then get a tram - not really something I will want to be doing when I'm feeling so ill (usually if I end up going to hospitals in an emergency I am bent over in agony hardly being able to crawl let alone walk and trying hard not to be sick and not that often managing it).

Alas, it is probably much smarter to go and see the docs BEFORE I end up in a really bad way. There is just still a little part of me that somehow hopes that I will feel better without having to do that! Also, I have only got just under 2 more weeks to wait until my next infusion treatment. Not long if I feel a bit better, but will seem like an age if I don't. Oh well, will see how it goes!

Beautiful photos

2008-02-05T02:07:00.000-08:00

These photos were taken around where I live. I know just how lucky I am to be living here!

Creating a healthier and positive future

2008-02-04T07:13:00.000-08:00

Since all my difficulties during my childhood years (and some stuff I haven't written about yet as perhaps I'm not yet ready), I have always dreamed of creating a different, much more healthier and positive future for myself- both physically, spiritually and emotionally. In my dreams, I see myself as content and somehow peaceful in myself, not overly fearful or anxious about the future, and just ready to face anything that comes my way. I guess I feel empowered. Sometimes in my dreams I look to the future when one day I may have children (as yet I don't actually know) and in those dreams I like the thought of being healed enough emotionally as to not ever project any negativity or unresolved issues onto my children, and to create a life for them where they will feel happy in themselves, empowered and loved.

For now, I am working on myself and I do think I am making steps in the right direction, although at times it is very hard work, and sometimes I feel I stumble along the way or take a few steps back. But I guess that's all part of learning, and I think generally I am making the kind of progress that I desire. I certainly am being able to think more clearly than before, and to be a little less critical of myself and loving towards me and my inner child. I guess that's all good. At least I hope so!

Remembering and healing the past

2008-02-01T02:45:00.000-08:00

Here is a photo of me when I was a little kid with the fireman behind, holding the hand of my best friend at the time. I was about 4 years old (I'm the one with the bunches and wearing shorts, looking down. I'm not sure whether I'm being shy or shielding my eyes from the sun).

When I look at this photo I have mixed emotions. I had quite a difficult childhood growing up, not just because I was so ill and struggled with my Crohn's, bad asthma and exzcema, and serious food allergies,(before my Crohn's got into full swing I was always in hospital for my asthma or food allergies) but also because my mother was/is mentally ill and I was often on the end of her rages and very difficult and at times impossible behaviour. Because I was a rather sensitive child, I assumed undertaking the role of emotional caretaker for my mother, and a lot of the time my father too and brother at varying times, even though I was the youngest and already had so many other problems to cope with. I remember very few times when perhaps I might have had a carefree existence, as most of the time I remember being burdened with the family's problems, my own health issues and all the frustrations that come with trying to balance both - all on my very young shoulders. I remember too that when I formed attachments with other adults who I trusted and who treated me with kindness and respect, they were very often taken away from me - either through death, (my fondest teacher who I was very close to was killed in the awful Kings Cross fire) or they just went away.

As I grew older I have always been searching for answers as to how I could make my past somehow feel better by putting a plaster on it, or to make it "disappear" and to feel good about my roots, and my growing up. And seeing as over the years I have been battling with low self-esteem, at times low confidence and I have been my biggest and worse critic (which has in itself made me even more ill at times as I put myself under a lot of pressure) it has been a huge struggle. And of course as I grow and learn more about life and myself, I know that it is practically impossible to just forget what happened in the past. But I'm hanging onto the hope that to heal is not necessarily out of reach, but I know that it is a very long and difficult journey.

But I think I am at last getting there and making more headway with those precious and delicate steps to a free-er mind and therefore free-er and happier existence. And when I've looked at this photo recently of me, I have felt love and compassion for that little girl - where once I might not have. I also am starting to remember times when I perhaps did feel more free and happier and just me and can remember when I was cheeky and giggly and playing with my friends or my brother, and my positive spirit, instead of feeling robbed of being able to be me, which I know I often felt (although I have always tried to keep my sense of humour in tact and my positivity, throughout my life, even when life was incredibly tough). I know from going to therapists in the past, that a lot of the time they mention learning to "love your inner child" and although at times I have questioned this and wondered whether it was just a load of baloney, I now think I understand what they mean. Ok there are different ways to go about this, but I think if you can find what's right for you, then all well and good. I think I'm getting there.

A visit to the docs, reflexology and another house offer

2008-02-01T02:34:00.000-08:00

Well thankfully I managed to sort out my sleeping problems with reflexology. Seeing as I'm a qualified reflexologist and know how it can aid sleep, I can't believe I hadn't thought of it before! I know just how lucky I am lucky that I don't need to go and pay someone else to fiddle with my feet as I can! Hooray!

However, my other Crohn's related problems haven't subsided as yet, so after realising I was due my regular B12 injection, I went to the docs to have that and to mention my problems (I went armed with a list of french translations to help in case I forgot my words, which she found amusing and worrying as she said she was wondering how many more symptoms there were going to be!). However, although she was kind I don't have complete faith that she knows much about my condition, as she went on about how there might be too much salt in my system which could irritate my insides, and has given me something to reduce the salt. I have never heard of this before, and am a little puzzled as what normally happens when you have diarrhoea is that you are supposed to replace the salt, not reduce it even further! But, I'm trying to keep an open mind about this one, as maybe my french GP knows a thing or two that I don't. However, she has said to me that if I don't feel better in a few days that I must go back. (I'm thinking that I would rather go and see my consultant at the hospital - he is after all supposed to be one of the best in Europe). Anyway, will have to watch this space.

Had another house offer too in the last few days, and so far so good. The man who wants our house has got a whopping huge deposit of wait for it.. £90,000! Let's hope then that nothing can go wrong with this guy and that he doesn't pull out for any reason. Fingers crossed!

Not sleeping

2008-01-24T05:13:00.000-08:00

It's been 4 whole nights now that I haven't slept, and I'm feeling pretty exhausted. Unfortunately when I'm like that I then get ill. The last few days I've been suffering with abdo pains, diarrhoea, asthma and now I've got a bad throat. I know it could be a LOT worse however, so I musn't grumble. I think some of the my not sleeping is due to me worrying about stuff, which I need to stop. I really need to eliminate worrying from my life! (yeah, right). But it's true that whenever I have adopted the attitude "what will be, will be" then everything is better in a way, because I then just go with the flow, and do my best to make the best possible decisions I can at the time. And change is good too. I have made lots of good changes this year, and I think that probably is one of the things I'm scared of - going back to how I was and the old situation and the old me. But I guess as long as I keep my eyes and ears open and always am aware of what I am doing, then I should be ok, and shouldn't make the same mistakes again. At least that's the idea! (fingers crossed). I'm trying to find a place of peace and quiet in my head right now. Think I will go and use my angel cards. I always find they help me when my head's all in a muddle xx

Offer fallen through

2008-01-17T05:16:00.000-08:00

After all that whittering on in my last post about getting an offer on our place, it's now fallen through and the buyers have pulled out. It was apparently a very young guy, only 21 and he got cold feet. Nevermind though, I'm trying to remain positive and hopeful that another offer will come our way very soon, and with any luck it might even be a better one!

Selling up and moving on

2008-01-16T03:15:00.000-08:00

The cute maisonette in England which I jointly own has been on the market now for several months, and we have now had an offer, which we have accepted. I have had mixed emotions about letting it go because I put a lot of time, energy and love into the place, decorating it and making it a home, plus I have a lot of memories there and so seeing it go is really quite hard. I'm sure there are lots of you out there who feel the same, if for whatever reason, you too need to sell up your home. However, I am trying to be philosophical about it, and realise that change is so often positive, and if by selling it, it allows me to make a fresh start if/when I return to england, then that's gotta be a good thing. Mr W has also pointed out that sometimes having a mortgage can be such a tie, as it means you can't go anywhere else and you are more or less tied to that one place (unless you are rich of course), but sometimes if you let it go, it can open up lots of new opportunities for you. I think he's right, plus I've already made so many changes in my life last year, one more shouldn't make much difference. And in fact I'm now finding the idea increasingly exciting, as now I believe the possibilities are endless.

Snow fun

2008-01-16T02:52:00.000-08:00

The above photos are:
Top = The snow plough which pushed a car down the hill as it was stuck in the snow
Middle = Me cross-country skiing (ski de fond)
Bottom = A very cute dog peeping out of it's owner's rucksack on the bus

It has been snowing heavily on and off the last few days. Sometimes its so heavy that you can hardly see (like the top photo). At the weekend Mr W and I went cross-country skiing for the first time. We had a very long ski-walk before we even reached the "proper" ski de fond place which has tracks made out in the snow to make it easier to slide. We found out that the walk was actually graded a red for ski de fond, so we actually did pretty well to make it. It was really tough as it was uneven, plus it went up and down hill and round bends. I have to admit that when it went downhill, I was a bit of a scaredy-cat as there seemed to be hardly no control with the skis, and I didn't like the feeling of hurtling down a hill and not being able to stop! When I was more brave I fell over a lot, but at other times when it seemed just too steep I decided to slide on my bum to avoid hurting myself, which certainly amused some of the people watching me! (I have never liked the thought of breaking my bones but now I am more scared because I have osteoporosis and I don't want to spend the rest of the ski season in plaster). However, I was relieved that we made it, and that I didn't need the loo (this was a bit of a worry as we only saw one portaloo the whole day). I'm so grateful that presently my health is better enough to allow me to experience such wonderful things as before even though I might still have given it a try, I would have been anxious the whole time incase there was an emergency. I know how lucky I am.

A little something I drew

2008-01-11T05:21:00.000-08:00

I think I'm a bit obsessed with flowers and hearts, and so draw them quite a lot. I'm sorry for the very poor quality of photo. I've got a bit of camera-shake today as got a thumping headache. Have got a few other drawings similar to this that I'm in the middle of, so hopefully when I'm feeling a bit better I will finish them.

Some Christmas things

2008-01-11T01:56:00.000-08:00

Ok, I know christmas has now passed, but seeing as I hadn't started my blog then, I thought I would just post the above two photos anyway. As you can see the first one are some funky santa slippers which I totally adore and were a totally unexpected but very welcome pressie, and the second are apple and jam tarts that I made. The tarts were a bit experimental for me as it was the first time I tried making them without lard as I've been finding that the pig's lard (I cannot find vegetable lard here, which I normally use alongside hard margarine) was making me ill. So this time I tried it with just hard margarine. The texture wasn't as good, and I think the taste was compromised slightly, but overall they weren't too bad, and definitely were edible. I also made an apple pie, which Mr W certainly took a liking to and ate with gusto, along with chocolate ice cream! I have to make my pastry without eggs (or nuts, not that you put nuts in pastry!) as I'm seriously allergic to them, and go into anaphylactic shock if I have just the teeniest trace. I'm used to it now, as have had my allergies since I was about 3 years old. Thankfully my mum was very good at baking pies and tarts, and flap jacks so I didn't really lose out that way, I just could never have shop-bought ones or ones that other people have made. And when it came to my birthday parties, I only once could actually eat the cake, when my mum decided to make me a special cat "cake" which I totally adored and was made out of chocolate covered rice krispies and had liquorice all-sorts for eyes and whiskers. (All the other birthdays my mum still bought cake for everyone else at my party, I think partly for show and so that no-one missed out).

Living amongst the clouds

2008-01-11T01:53:00.000-08:00

2008-01-11T01:35:00.000-08:00

The above photo was taken high up on one of the pistes. You can just about see the small figure in the distance skiing down. To me it looks like he/she will be skiing on the clouds soon. I am very lucky to live so high up that often it does seem as if we are floating on the clouds, and it rather suits me as my head is often high up in the clouds, dreaming away!

L'hopital

2008-01-11T01:04:00.000-08:00

The above photo is of a tram at night, around christmas time.

Well, the docs finally decided to give me my treatment yesterday after all, which I'm pretty grateful for. I'm feeling pretty wiped out now, have the runs and also a few aches and pains, but it's all normal. I just need to rest. I know this will sound a bit nasty, but at least if I get ill it was the docs decision to give it to me and I haven't hidden anything from them. Oh except one thing which I simply forgot to mention and which probably I should have done, and which I will have to keep an eye on as it is starting to worry me a bit (I won't mention it here in case anyone is a bit squeamish!).

Unfortunately my favourite french nurse wasn't there yesterday so I had someone else, but he was still very pleasant and so I can't complain. In fact they are all lovely there and all try to make an effort to speak english when I can't understand what they are saying. Although of course I speak as much french as I can possibly manage. It is frustrating for me sometimes as being a chatter box, I would like to say a lot more than I know how to, but at least they get some peace.

We (me and the lovely guy I live with with, who I will call Mr W from now on), decided to park the car in the Park and Ride and get the tram to the hospital. It cost only 1,50 euros which included the car and us, so I thought that was a pretty great deal. I still get excited travelling on the trams, because I find them so fascinating and also because they go all over the place, you get to see a lot of places that you might not normally. The hospital itself is a very large concrete structure, which is not very pretty to look at and reminds me of The Royal Free hospital in Hamsptead, London (where I used to be a patient) which I always used to think imposed on it's lovely surroundings. However, I can't complain as when you are inside the french hospital you get some amazing views of the snow-capped mountains, so really I'm spoilt.

A day at the hospital tomorrow

2008-01-09T05:46:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I will be at the hospital, hopefully having some treatment for my Crohn's. At the moment, I have this every 7 weeks and it is an infusion (medication given through a vein) which aims to zap some of the T-cells which make inflammation. I'm hoping I will be able to have it tomorrow, although fear that I may not as I haven't been very well for the past few weeks, and normally it is not safe to have the treatment when you are fighting a germ or an infection. But anyway, will see what the docs say!

Even though I'm not very well, I still have a wonderful view of people taking the ski lifts up to the top of the mountain and skiing down again. Although today its snowing so hard, visibility is reduced somewhat.

Snowy trees

2008-01-09T05:37:00.001-08:00

This is a photo of some of the trees in the arboretum outside the building. It is a peaceful place to be, where most of the time you can hear nothing except maybe birdsong.

Why am I here?

2008-01-09T05:13:00.000-08:00

You may wonder what I'm doing in France. Well I can't answer all of that question as it would mean giving away personal details of some of the people close to me, but I'm basically taking a break. I'm sure many of us would like to do that at some point or other in our lives, and perhaps some or many of us do. I know sometimes it doesn't seem like there is an opportunity to just take off and almost re-invent yourself, and so when the opportunity was there for me, I took it.

I was struggling in all areas of my life and my physical and emotional health were suffering majorly as a result. After having my 6th operation (for crohn's disease) and having a very difficult and exhausting prolonged recovery, on top of the other problems/difficulties that were sapping my life energy, I decided to take up the offer of a friend and come and live in the alps for a while. At that point, I did not know what life had planned for me (none of us do!) but instead of being overly scared (of course I was a little), I was more excited at what might happen, and I embraced the huge change gratefully.

So here I am, and I don't regret one moment of coming here. Of course you may read this and think, well of course she's not going to regret living in the alps! And you will partly be right. But living here high up in the mountains, does pose challenges that you might never need to think about, if living in "normal" society. But thankfully, I have overcome most of them, and although there are still things that scare me about living here, I am getting more bold at giving them a go.

Bonjour et Bienvenue! Hello and Welcome!

2008-01-09T04:54:00.000-08:00

The above photo is just part of the view (I get many different views according to the weather) from the apartment balcony. As you can see there are icicles hanging down from above, about to drop, and hopefully will not injure anyone below.